Moose
by Smerby
Summary: Harry Potter is a moose.


"Really, Harry, I couldn't be more aroused right now."

Harry raised an eyebrow at Hermione's exclamation. She was of course referring to his enthusiasm for the stacks of books he was studying in front of him, and not the book of gay wizard porn she was holding. Apparently Dumbledore had given it to her in his will.

Much to Ron's befuddlement, Harry had taken up rigorous studying in the library alongside Hermione for the last few months. At first, Ron thought Harry might be trying to learn spells to vanquish Voldemort. Then he thought Harry might just be brushing up on his schoolwork. Then he thought Harry might be into someone at the library. Then he thought Harry might be into Hermione! But when he came into the library, to see that Harry was not in Hermione's stomach, and thus not physically into her, his fears were abated. Hermione was a pretty crazy bitch when she was hungry.

Hermione was not as confused as Ron. Rather, she wondered where Harry had been all his life. Who couldn't resist the library, what with her magnetic pull and her textual seduction. The library was like sex! Or at least, what Hermione had read of it in the library. In any case, Hermione did not want to scare Harry away from her haven of books and nooks and nooks with books. So she let Harry study unencumbered, never prying, and occasionally procuring a book he asked for.

What neither of the two knew was what, exactly, Harry was studying.

* * *

Harry, an arm full of books and a satchel filled with even more, tried to contain his excitement as he hurried through the hallway. As his excitement was very large, he failed to adequately constrain it, and it popped out of his trousers much to the excitement of several girls, the shock of Professor McGonagall, and the erotic confusion of Draco Malfoy. 

Harry disregarded the discomfort of his dangly bits dangling a bit out of his pants. He was on a mission, and he had the permission… of no one.

Harry Potter was going to break the rules, fix them back up with Spell-o-tape, and break them again.

And with the thought of his metaphorical "Fuck you!" to the establishment, Harry went out the door of Hogwarts and onto the grounds to defy all constraints of society.

Harry was straight up punk.

* * *

"Okay, I can do this… I can do this…" 

Harry was in a open patch of ground on the edge of the Forbidden Forest, with only the company of a small thestral who kept gnawing on his ear. He had several books open and sprawled about him. He was also naked, but that was just because he liked to be.

Taking a deep breath, pushing up the bridge of his glasses, and tweaking his nips, Harry Potter muttered a spell…

And began to transform.

Harry Potter was becoming an illegal animagus!

* * *

After transforming, Harry slowly opened his animal eyes and stomped his hooves. 

Hooves!

Harry was so excited. As his father had been a stag, and his mother's Patronus was a doe (BUT HE DIDN'T KNOW THIS YET OOPS), he figured his animagus form would take the shape of a deer-- he was hoping to be a small fawn in particular.

Trotting over to a small pool of water, Harry looked into the water only to see…

That he was a moose!

Harry let out a wail that sounded much like a bagpipe stuck between Hagrid's ass.

Oh no! How embarrassed would his parents be that their child was a not a delicious piece of venison, but rather a creature whose head was plastered about The Three Broomsticks.

"Oh no even more!" Thought Moose Harry. What if someone decided to _Avada_ him and hang his head on a wall? Everyone knew Flitwick had a thing for taxidermy and his mother!

Blubbering in panic, Harry concentrated and tried to change back into his naked, horny wizard self. But he could not change back for the life of him! A life he very well might lose if he stayed as a moose-- especially since his horny moose self was pretty much a beacon; he was sporting a 3 foot wanger. "Hmm," thought Harry. "Only two inches shorter than normal."

Giving up in defeat, Harry clomped out of the forest and tried discretely to enter Hogwarts.

* * *

Harry hoped he wouldn't cause a ruckus as he tried to sneak to Gryffindor tower. 

"Fucking shit!" Yelled a 7th year Ravenclaw as Harry entered school.

Harry blanched as he realized he must have been seen. Then he blanched further as he realized he had taken a shit right at the foot of the main staircase.

"Fucking moose…" Muttered the Ravenclaw as he sludged away from the staircase and into the Great Hall.

A little miffed as to why no one was making much of a big fuss over him, Harry clumsily clomped to the library. At least no one was killing him… hey, maybe being a moose was the key to a life of safety!

Pushing open the door to the library with his antlers, Harry lumbered into the library and sat down heavily beside Hermione, breaking several chairs and the table in the process.

Hermione was catapulted from her seat onto a case of books, and squealed when she saw the cause.

"Help, someone! A moose! It's going to eat me!" She squealed and waved her wand about, hoping the thin piece of wood would scare the creature.

Harry tried to tell her it was him, but only managed to scare her more by goring several students with his antlers as he shook his head in explanation.

"Don't worry, Hermione! I'll save you!" Ron yelled at Hermione from the doorway.

"Don't worry about me, Ron! Save yourself." She yelled back in tears.

Ron frowned in confusion. "Save myself? I was going to save you a seat at supper… but okay, I'll let Seamus sit in your seat then. Did you know there's a moose killing people in here?"

Hermione screamed in agony, her hair turning into corkscrews of terror as she rolled about the top of the bookcase. Ron whistled and left the library.

Professor Severus Sexy Studmuffin Snape had come into the scene of chaos by this point, and sneered.

"Fifty points from Moosepoop!"

Moose Harry sputtered in disbelief, until Snape revealed an hourglass with several brown rocks serving as jewels.

Hermione, her sense of knowledge overriding the cause of her currently soiled underwear, peered over the bookcase to say, "Yes, Moose. It's a little known fact that Hogwarts has a fifth house that houses moose and the random kid at 12 o'clock. But usually the house does nothing, as moose are typically turned into chocolate and served as dessert by the poor, enslaved house-elves."

Harry gulped, and Snape smirked. Snape had other plans for the rampaging beast of the library-- he would put Hermione into detention and shag her! But as for the moose… well, he would make his hair mousse straight from the creature! That is how he got such greasy hair-- with the potent potion ingredient of real moose-- after all, Snape's motto was, "The more grease, the less piece… of shit." In his hair, of course.

Harry did not like the lust in Snape's eyes, or the smell coming from Hermione's panties, and so-- complete with impaled students attached to his antlers--, Moose Harry ran from the library and to the Great Hall.

* * *

Much to Harry's grief, he encountered a squirming Colin Creevey before he could enter the Great Hall. Creevey appeared to have doxies in his pants, as he could not keep still and appeared to be dancing in place-- much like Ron did in front of the mirror when he thought no one was looking. But naked. And erect-- he had very good posture while dancing. 

"Oooooh my goodness! Is Father Christmas here?" Colin squealed as he squiggled.

Harry snorted. He was obviously not…

"Is that one of Father Christmas' reindeer, Colin?" Said Dennis Creevey coming up behind his brother.

"Oh, I think so, Dennis! Look, he has green eyes just like Harry's! Ooooh." Colin squirmed harder at this. "Just thinking about Harry makes me squirm."

Obviously.

Harry blew air out of his large nostrils, and Colin stopped dead in his squirm.

"That breath smells like Harry's!"

Harry left as quickly as he could.

* * *

Entering the Great Hall, Harry found it to be rather empty, except for Draco wanking behind one of the tables, and Flitwick eating a chocolate chip scone. 

Draco looked up to see Moose Harry and nearly died. Antlers happened to be his secret fetish! He continued his wanking full force.

Flitwick on the other hand looked up at Moose Harry with an evil gleam in his eye.

Oh, right-- Flitwick's fetish was taxidermy.

With this thought of doom in his mind, Moose Harry hightailed it-- with his tail high in the air-- out of the Great Hall and back out onto the grounds.

Moose Harry clomped with his big moose hooves as fast he could all the way to Hogsmeade. As it was very late by this point, it was rather nippy out. Harry forgot he had fur on, and still thought he was a naked. Which he was. Moose don't wear clothes.

So Moose Harry decided to pop into the Three Broomsticks for a pint. It looked rather empty.

Clomping down beside a table, he surveyed the area. With his poor eyesight-- being a Moose didn't help his 200/20 vision--, he realized too late that he had picked a spot right next to the only other individual in the pub besides Rosmerta.

The wizard, who had a bright green cape pulled high over his head, turned to Moose Harry…

… And began to talk.

And talk.

And talk.

Moose Harry, not having even been served yet, began to feel dozy. This wizard would just not stop talking. All he heard before falling asleep was, "So, I think Rosmerta might be into me. Or maybe not. I was into her, and then she wasn't, and then I wasn't, and she was, and do you think the Shephard's Pie here is any good? I haven't had any. Do you like this cape on me? I really want to go to Honeydukes after this, do you want to…"

* * *

When Harry awoke, the pub was empty, but the wizard had left all methods to contact him on a piece of paper on a nearby table. Harry ate it. 

While chewing the tasty treat, Harry looked around and began to panic. He swallowed-- the paper-- and then swallowed again in fear.

He had forgotten that the Three Broomsticks was decorated completely in animal heads. There were even two moose heads on the wall, and that one was rather pretty…

Having spent too much time thinking about humping the stuffed head on the wall, Moose Harry failed to notice the return of the wizard he had been talking to, followed by a smaller figure.

Harry was put under a _Stupefy_, and clunked to the ground. Panicking, he soiled himself.

"Here he is, Filius. When you're done stuffing the bugger, do you want to maybe go get something to eat? I really want some dessert. And maybe we can see the Weird Sisters in London, and…"

Flitwick _Avada'd_ the wizard and moved forward with menace in his eyes.

Harry could not believe what was happening. He had thought Voldemort might kill him, or Snape, or even Ginny as she attempted to screw him with a strap-on, but never Flitwick.

Flitwick was so… cuddly!

Then suddenly, Harry regained movement in his hind legs. Mustarding his hot dog, and mustering his strength, he kicked out his legs and sent Flitwick flying through the window of the pub.

Jubilant at his good luck-- and good aim-- Harry quickly rose off the floor, only to hit his head and antlers against the moose head above him.

And passed out.

* * *

Harry woke up with a start! Oh… maybe it was only a dream. 

Then Harry looked down.

And saw he was on a plaque on the wall!

Wiggling his bum, Harry realized he was still alive, and his head was simply shoved through the wall.

But while shimmying his buttcheeks, he realized he was no longer a moose-- a realization he made just as he heard from behind him the slaggish tones of Ginny shout, "BRACE YOURSELF!"

**The End!**

* * *

**Note:** I had Flitwick eating a chocolate chip scone in the Great Hall scene because I was wanting one. This is a vital part of the plot, and thus needed this important author's note. Dedicated to the Christmas moose figurine sitting on my printer, and KP and Jessie-- and you too, FanFictionFantom, because you seem to read my stuff, and I like to read yours, too ;). 


End file.
